Thoughts rolling around in my head this morning:
Am I looking for relationship, or just permission to do my own thing? Am I willing to be obedient? Or do I just want acceptance without change? Do I want the transforming power of God in my life, or am I just looking for that spiritual high?
And then I read from Ephesians 4:
But you did not learn Christ in this way, if indeed you have heard Him and been taught in Him, just as truth is in Jesus, that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.
–Eph. 4:20-24 (emphasis mine)
The keys on these verses being that you have to lay aside the old self before putting on the new self. I think my problem sometimes is that I try to put on the new self over top of my old self. It’s like dressing up in your finest cleanest suit over your dirtiest, grimiest, sweatiest work clothes. Not too comfortable.
And although I might be putting on a good show on the outside–I look presentable–there is that uncomfortable inside that is making me miserable.
I want the new life God has given me, but I don’t want to give up the comforts and familiarity of that old self. It feels good to be angry and lash out at people. I like to be greedy–I get what I want. But there is something inside me that grieves at this, and I walk away, kicking myself for acting that way.
Abba Father, wretched man that I am! Who will free me from this body of death? Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord!