Saturday was my day for morning baby duty.
Sometimes this isn’t so bad because ~A~ will sleep into 8 o’clock, giving my wife and I some much needed rest. But other times, he wakes up earlier and it is on those days that you hope that you’re not on baby duty and can just roll over and let your spouse get up.
Alas, he was not in a sleeping mood. Here it was barely 7am and ~A~ was crying/calling in an insistent way that let me know that 8am was definitely off the table and 7:30am was not an option.
I negotiated with him in my head:
“Come on, ~A~, why are you up so early?! Let me sleep until 7:25.”
“7:20. Just until 7:20. Pleeease?”
“No. Waaaaaa. I waaaaant up noooow! Up! up!”
So I dragged my sorry self out of bed and could feel my wife smiling as she rolled over and went back to sleep.
I was still thinking enviously of that warm bed when I opened ~A~’s bedroom door. He immediately stopped crying and looked at me, like: “What took you so long?”
I couldn’t help but smile.
As I went to pick him up, I noticed that his pajamas were a bit damp. Ok, no wonder he didn’t sleep in. Heavy wet diapers are pretty normal in the mornings, so I wasn’t too surprised, and we went to take care of business.
So I took off his pajama pants and noticed that his onsie undershirt was a little more than damp.
Then I took off his pajama shirt and onesie and noticed that this wasn’t just a wet diaper—there was some action on the business end of things. Ok, we’ve got a wet and a poop. Nice.
Then I noticed some clear pasty stuff oozing out of the top of the diaper as well. I realized that the integrity of the diaper had been compromised. We had a diaper breech.
Modern diapers are full of wonderful technology. Just like the commercials say, they “lock in moisture”. They have these little moisture absorbing polymers that suck the moisture away from “baby’s tender skin.” But there is only so much moisture that they can take. Once you’ve gone past that saturation point, the diaper material breaks down and oozes these fully saturated polymer beads. It is a messy business, because the little beads stick to everything and make a big mess. Ask me how I know.
I couldn’t blame ~A~ for being so insistent about getting up. He was in a whole realm of discomfort from back to front. I cleaned up the poop, the super-saturated diaper and the oozing polymers as best I could and then threw him into the bathtub for good measure.
He was his normal cheerful self after that, chirping away in that half intelligible baby blather, and all was right with the world.